Before I Die
by PinkCatsy
Summary: Death has, on two occasions, taking away the ones closest to Inuyasha. Will he be able to open his heart up to Kagome? Or will he push her away for the sake of keeping her alive? Warning: pedo!Kikyo.
1. Chapter 1: Surrounded by Death

**Disclaimer: **Inuyasha...not my property.

"You've always got to behave yourself, okay?"

"Mama wants you to be a good boy."

"You should never forget the things I've told you."

Inuyasha had been hearing these phrases, and phrases like them, from his mother often lately. As though he was going away somewhere. But whenever he asked...

"Of course not, honey, Mama would never send you away. I love you."

But the look in her eyes always made him clutch his teddy bear tighter. However, he never thought to ask if Mama was going anywhere. It had never crossed his mind.

Lately she had been hugging him tighter. Been holding his hand much tighter, with a grip as though she would never let go. It scared Inuyasha just as much as it made him happy.

"Mama, is something wrong?"

She smiled at him and it became obvious that something was wrong. Something that, as a six year old, he could not have really noticed. Short attention span and all. She was pale, so very pale.

His eyes widened and tears formed. "Mama..?"

She wiped his tears with a tight smile. "You know, I love you _so_ much. And I always want you to behave yourself. Please, be a good boy from now on."

"Mama?"

She held him tightly before coughing painfully. Inuyasha's nose prickled with the scent of blood. His mother's embrace went limp. And then all went black.

"MAMA!"

**Before I Die**

Quietly, Inuyasha set the table. He always did as he was told, without a word. He hardly ever made a sound. And it was always with that same expression. Cold. Dark. Lonely and depressed.

It pained Kikyo's heart to see him that way. Not Inuyasha. Someone as cute as him should be smiling. Should always be smiling.

But she has never seen him smile, not outside of pictures. He didn't smile the day he was brought to the orphanage, and even now that she had taken him out of it, he still wouldn't crack the smallest grin. It hurt her so much. It hurt her so very much.

He looked up at her once the task was done. Expressionless yet Kikyo knew he was waiting for praise, for confirmation of the goodness of his deed. He needed that, he needed that for it to be okay. For everything to be okay.

She broke into a grin despite her pain. She enveloped him in a warm embrace. "You're such a good boy. It must be so hard."

Inuyasha's eyes teared up and sobbed bitterly into her shoulder.

...

"Kikyo onee-chan! Look, I got a hundred percent!" he displayed the test with deep pride.

He smiled more often now. It made Kikyo so proud, so happy. She laughed, "Good job, Inuyasha."

He gave her a gap-toothed grin as she ruffled his hair affectionately. _Good job. He's just so cute. _She beamed, "Looks like someone deserves a reward! Wanna go for ice cream?"

Inuyasha jumped up and down in excitement. "YES! THANK YOU ONEE-CHAN!"

Kikyo laughed, "Why are you thanking me? You're the one that earned the ice cream. Now c'mon, let's go." She looked at Inuyasha and felt her heart warm up. Look at happy he was. A few years ago this wouldn't even seem possible.

He had come so far from the little boy who'd never speak. And Kikyo was so glad that she had helped him on that journey.

...

Kikyo found herself staring at Inuyasha more often now. He was starting to grow so handsome. She blinked and blushed. And then freaked out even more when she realized what she had done.

This certainly wasn't right.

She'd been looking after Inuyasha for seven years. She'd been watching over him as a sister, or even a mother. Right?

But why had her thoughts lately wandered away from that?

This wasn't right. Kikyo smacked her cheeks. Regardless of what she was thinking or feeling, Inuyasha was only thirteen. He was still a minor. And she was almost thirty. How could it even cross her mind?

"What's _wrong_ with me?" Kikyo whispered harshly.

Inuyasha blinked, pausing in eating his ramen to stare at Kikyo. "Kikyo onee-chan?"

Kikyo looked up at Inuyasha and smiled. It was so fake, she knew he could tell.

It was bothering her to be called 'onee-chan'.

And when she realized that, it bothered her even more. Because she really didn't deserve it.

"Is there something wrong?" he asked, his golden orbs searching hers.

Kikyo struggled not to blush. She used to think he was cute. She still did. But now... now it wasn't a different kind of cute.

And she was so ashamed.

"No," Kikyo answered, deciding to push her feelings back down. Soon enough he'd be going to high school. He could move out then and then she wouldn't have to deal with these evil feelings. "Don't worry about it," she replied in a soft tone. "Finish your ramen."

He stared at her for a few minutes, uncertain, before obeying. He sighed as he ate, staring into the noodles and soup. _Kikyo onee-chan is starting to look paler and paler._

"_Mama? MAMA!"_

Inuyasha swallowed hard. He looked up at Kikyo one more time, dead seriousness in his eyes. "Are you sure there's nothing wrong with you?"

Kikyo blinked, completely oblivious now. "Yeah, I'm positive. Like I said, don't worry and eat."

...

As Kikyo tucked Inuyasha in, she wondered why he still let her. And why she still did it. He wasn't a child anymore. Well, he was only thirteen. But he was starting to get too old to be tucked in every night.

"'Night Kikyo onee-san," Inuyasha replied as he turned onto his side and tried to shut his eyes.

"'Night Inuyasha," Kikyo replied sweetly.

"I love you," Inuyasha added.

There was panicked moment of hesitation. Kikyo's face turned a bright scarlet. "I l-love you too..." She lowered her head in shame as she walked away from the sleeping Inuyasha.

Tears fell down her cheeks. She felt so disgusted with herself.

How could she have fallen for him? And like _this_?

...

Inuyasha was surprised when Kikyo shoved him down onto the bed. "Kikyo o...onee-san?"

Kikyo looked at him with such pitiful eyes, her cheeks a light pink. "Please, please just call me Kikyo."

Inuyasha blinked, face turning red. "K-Kikyo?"

And suddenly her lips smashed on top of his. Inuyasha was surprised and confused. What was going on?

Kikyo pulled away abruptly, her hands clutching tight fistfuls of his shirt. She looked away, growing more ashamed of herself by the minute. What was wrong with her? "I love you Inuyasha."

"Huh?" Inuyasha replied. That wasn't answering any of his questions.

"Not the way you think, Inuyasha," Her fists clenched even more, "I've... I don't know exactly when it started but I... I think of you as a _man_, Inuyasha." Her brown eyes burned passionately into Inuyasha's gold.

He was startled and confused. His heart was pounding. "Ki-Kikyo o-" Her lips smashed on top of his again, only this time her tongue forced entry into his mouth.

Inuyasha was growing more confused by the minute.

Kikyo pulled away again. "I'm sorry, Inuyasha. But there's just one thing I want to do before I die." Before repeating the deep kiss. Only this didn't time she didn't pull away after a few seconds. This time she didn't stop.


	2. Chapter 2: Friends for Life

**Disclaimer: **Inuyasha...not my property.

Inuyasha hovered over Kikyo's grave, tears gushing down his face.

Again. This was all happening all over again.

Even the violent coughs. Even the scent of blood.

And even the pain.

What was it about him that caused them to die? What had he done?

**Before I Die**

Kagome stared at Inuyasha, her head in her hand while the teacher droned on about some assignment due on Friday.

He looked so crestfallen. He always did. But no one knew why. It broke her heart.

She could tell that he was the kind of person who had a beautiful smile. But it felt as if no one had ever seen it. He had this almost oppressive aura of sadness. And no one knew why. It bothered Kagome down to her core.

She didn't think anyone in this world deserved to be as sad as he was.

But what could she do? He'd never talk to her. He's never talked to anyone.

...

"I just want to be your friend," she pleaded, looking at him with those eyes that looked right through him. The same eyes that _she_ had had.

"_Someone as cute as you should always be smiling."_

"Leave me alone," Inuyasha snapped, turning away. His fists clenching. "I don't _want_ any friends." Kagome was so damn persistent. Why couldn't she just leave him alone?

"So you _like_ being alone?" Kagome asked, shocked.

Inuyasha's eyes went downcast. "O-of course!" Not. He hated being alone. Being alone meant nobody would talk to him. And he had all this time to think. To think about things he didn't want to think about. To drown in memories that could only make things worse. That only made things worse.

But... being alone was better. For everybody.

"Why are you lying to me?"

Inuyasha turned around. Kagome looked at him with an angry expression. She was _mad_? Why was _she_ mad?

"Well, answer me!" she snapped.

Inuyasha didn't know what to do. Inuyasha didn't know what to say. And then, for the first time in two years, he cried.

"I don't want you to die!"

...

"Keh, I _let_ you win," Inuyasha replied defiantly, arms crossed. The four of them, Kagome, Miroku, Sango and Inuyasha, sat at a table at WacDonald's.

"Why don't you just admit you suck at bowling, Inuyasha?" Miroku asked, clearly trying to provoke him.

Inuyasha glared, "Because I _don't_. I just get tired of kicking all your asses in _everything_."

"You know, I believe you," Sango remarked, "All gutters is an amazing feat. You really must've done it on purpose."

Inuyasha became a bright red. "Shut up, Sango."

Sango smirked, "Why? I'm agreeing with you."

He glared and turned away defiantly again, snorting.

Kagome laughed. She even snorted as did so. Hanging out with her friends, Inuyasha included, gave her one of the best feelings in the world. And looking at Inuyasha now gave her _the_ best feeling in the world. After seeing the lonely shadow of a person he used to be, how could it not?

Now he was opening up to people. Now he was laughing. Now he was happy.

He glared at her. "What's so damn funny, Kagome?"

Kagome couldn't even stop laughing to answer.

...

Kagome blushed the moment her eyes met Inuyasha's. She wasn't sure exactly when it happened, although she could take a guess, but she had begun to skip a heart beat whenever she looked at him. She became more than happy when they were together. She became heart-flutteringly ecstatic whenever he smiled. Whenever he laughed. And the painful loneliness that struck whenever he was gone, whenever he said goodbye. That was hard to miss.

But she didn't know how to say it. Or even if she should.

Inuyasha had a problem. There was a large, albeit secret, part of him that hadn't changed. That was still that crestfallen boy that insisted on being alone.

That day. The day when she had confronted him, when she had tried to be his friend. She remembered it clearly.

"_Well, answer me!" she snapped._

"_I don't want you to die!"_

And after that, Inuyasha had merely sat there and cried. Sobbing his eyes out. Kagome had let him cry on her shoulder, patting him awkwardly. She didn't ask anymore questions. She just let him let it all out. And then he opened up to her. Just like that. And she pushed that moment out of her mind.

But every so often, it would poke back up. In moments like this. They were sitting in the library quietly, doing a research project for History class. Instead of focusing on her part of the assignment, Kagome's eyes couldn't help but trail up to Inuyasha's face. He was concentrated like she should be. Flashes of his expressions from his initial days of isolation and on that day kept flashing through her mind.

She wondered if what he would say if she confessed to him right now.

"_Leave me alone."_

She flinched at the idea of rejection. She swallowed as she decided, for the umpteenth time, that their relationship was best as it is now. _But_... She thought as she nibbled on her lower lip. But her thought halted there. But what?

"Kagome, can you back from space now?"

Inuyasha's harsh whisper pulled her out of her thoughts, causing her brain to crash land with a thud. "Huh?" she spoke at a regular volume, temporarily forgetting that they were at the library.

"You've been staring into space for a good fifteen minutes," Inuyasha explained, still whispering, "And I've been here, bored out of my skull but _still_ doing my work. Some partner you turned out to be."

"Sorry," Kagome replied immediately, "I've got some stuff on my mind."

Inuyasha gave her a skeptical look. "Like what?"

Kagome bit her lip, wondering if she really should say. What if he just shuts down? Or what if it angers him? Her heart turned over and over as she processed everything that could go wrong.

Inuyasha rolled his eyes, "Are you gonna tell me or not?"

"You!" Kagome blurted, forgetting to whisper again. Then immediately regretting she had said anything at all.

Inuyasha's eyes shot straight up and his cheeks became a light pink colour. "What?"

"I-I keep thinking about _that_ day. The one where... well, you were crying and-" Kagome rambled, desperately trying to save herself.

"Oh," Inuyasha cut in, trying to sound disinterested. His eyes turned dull and fell back down to the book in front of him.

"I'm sorry, I just-" Kagome struggled to scramble together an apology. It was exactly as she had feared.

"You want to know why I did that, don't you?"

Kagome blinked, completely off-guard. "Well, yes but if you don't want to tell me that's-"

"I figure I should tell you," Inuyasha interjected her again, "I was planning to soon enough anyways."

Kagome opened her mouth to speak before deciding against it. She clamped her mouth shut and patiently waited for Inuyasha to begin.

"It's not a particularly long story. When I was little, my mom got very sick and died. And then I was adopted by one of the women working at the orphanage. She died too. In the exact same way. They grew weaker and weaker, paler and paler. Coughed up blood and that was it." Inuyasha explained in a detached tone, "The only common factor I can come up with is me. End of story."

Kagome's eyes filled with pity. "Inuyasha, you know that's not-"

"Well, that's not really the end of the story," Inuyasha continued, monotonously, "My adoptive 'mother' raped me before she died. It wasn't as gruesome as it sounds."

Kagome gaped at Inuyasha. "It's not as gruesome as it sounds?"

"She did it because she loved me. And she was desperate because she was dying," Inuyasha continued, looking at the book and not at Kagome, "Her last words to me were 'I'm sorry.' She was crying."

Kagome sat there quietly, unable to form words for several minutes. Then finally, she blurted out, "I'm sorry."

Inuyasha looked up at her for the first time in several minutes. "What for?"

Kagome just gave him a very sincere expression of sympathy. That's all it was. Inuyasha swallowed hard.

"It's not your fault."


	3. Chapter 3: Before I Die

**Disclaimer: **Inuyasha...not my property.

Kagome awoke feverishly and panting.

She was in a cold sweat and had been thrasing about violently on her bed.

She had had a nightmare that seized her heart completely, causing her heart to work overtime to make up for it.

But she couldn't, for the life of her, remember what it was about.

**Before I Die**

Kagome couldn't stop staring at Inuyasha after that day in the library. The thoughts of all that he had endured, the thoughts of what he had hidden behind those golden orbs of her plaguing her every second of every minute of every hour.

"_I don't want you to die!"_

Now his behaviour from before made sense.

"_The only common factor I can come up with is me. End of story."_

She wanted to prove him wrong with every fibre of her being. But that meant she had to unravel these feelings that coiled around her mind and heart. Unravel them and present them to him. She swallowed. She still wasn't sure he was willing to accept them. _But..._

But what?

Kagome blinked as her eyes met Inuyasha's. Her heart pounded as he shyly looked away, face heating up. Clearly he hadn't been expecting that either. Kagome swallowed again. Why was he glancing at her like that?

...

Moments like that kept occurring. Their eyes would meet and then he'd look away and go a tomato red. Kagome would remain staring, her pounding, cheeks as red as his and wheels turning. It continued for days and days.

Sango tried to encourage Kagome. Telling her that it meant that Inuyasha liked her. Kagome wanted to believe Sango with all her heart. But he could just be embarrassed about telling her his sad childhood. Or thinking about the day his protective wall came down and his sadness overflowed with Kagome as a witness. _But..._

But what?

But Kagome wouldn't know unless she tried to find out. That's what.

...

Kagome tried to prep herself for hours. Working on mustering the courage and using her diaphragm to carry it all the way through her. But there was still that _but what if_ at the end of all her thoughts. The _but what if_ that didn't have a happy ending. The one that ended with Kagome in tears and her friendship with Inuyasha in an irreparable state.

She tried so very hard to shut out that little annoying voice that kept insisting she might fail.

"_The only common factor I can come up with is me. End of story."_

Her eyes widened. She's just like he was (and still could be), only in much less extreme way. Always duelling on the negative possibility, rather than taking a chance at the positive one. What had that earned him? Months and possibly years of loneliness. Kagome thought of the dull ache she had had whenever she looked at him in those days. Then she thought about the painful lurch of her heart when they parted.

She swallowed. She was going to do this. Today. No more beating around the bush. No more waiting around. "Inuyasha," she spoke more confidently than she felt. She grabbed his hand as he started to head home. She was acutely aware of Miroku and Sango in the background sharing hopeful expressions.

Inuyasha turned towards her, "Yeah?"

Kagome swallowed, hesitation setting in. Her heart pounded loudly in her chest as her throat went dry. She couldn't do this. How could she even _think_ she could do this? What if he said no? What if he said _no_? What if- what if he said _yes_? Kagome's heart sky rocketed in her chest at the very thought.

"Kagome?" Inuyasha asked, tilting his head and wondering if she was okay.

Kagome shook out of her daze. However, she left remains of that extremely happy thought. Just enough to encourage her to speak. "Inuyasha, I have something important to say to you."

"Okay," Inuyasha replied in a blank tone.

"Um...well... the thing is..." Kagome felt her heart speed up as her brain started to falter, "Well... I just... it's just that-"

"_She did it because she loved me. And she was desperate because she was dying," Inuyasha continued, looking at the book and not at Kagome, "Her last words to me were 'I'm sorry.' She was crying."_

Kagome gained her resolve. "I don't want you to be sad or lonely anymore, Inuyasha."

Inuyasha blinked, face reddening as he stuttered out a "W-what? What does _that_ have to d-do w-"

"I love you," Kagome blurted, cutting him off, "I have for a while now..."

Inuyasha's face heated up and for several moments, it was just silence. Inuyasha's breathing became ragged and Kagome felt her heart sink as every second ticked by.

Inuyasha clutched his chest before letting out a sigh of relief. He smiled at Kagome and with an exasperated sigh went "I was hoping to hear that before I die."

But something didn't sit right with Kagome. She couldn't feel happy until the sick feeling pooling in her stomach went away. "Inuyasha?" Kagome asked with concern and confusion.

"What?" His smile was fake.

Kagome's eyebrows furrowed. She felt a painful twang in her heart as a horrible possibility struck her. "D-do you love _me_?" she asked, worriedly.

"Yes!" Inuyasha replied fiercely without a hint of dishonesty, "I love you Kagome. And _I_ have for a while now. How could I not?"

But then... what was wrong here? What was so painfully obvious yet excruciatingly elusive?

Then suddenly he coughed. No, it was more like a hack. It was a painful sound. It sounded like his insides were trying to force their way out.

_No. No!_ Panic arose in Kagome as her eyes swelled with tears. _No! NO!_

"_They grew weaker and weaker, paler and paler. Coughed up blood and that was it."_

"I-Inuyasha..." Kagome began, frightened and worried, "Y-you look really pale..."

Inuyasha's hacking stopped and his gaze fell downward.

_NO! _

He looked up at her with a half-smile. "I'm sorry, Kagome. But there's just one thing I want to do before I die." He pulled her into a sudden kiss.

Tears fell down Kagome's face. _This CAN'T be happening! Not now! Not to us! It's **not** fair! _When the taste of blood spilled into her mouth and Inuyasha broke away to let out a heart-wrenching cough, Kagome felt her heart break into pieces as the full force of it hit her.

Inuyasha was dying.

He forced a smile between coughs, the force of which had brought him to his knees, "I really _do_ love you Kagome. And _so_ very much. Please... please... remember..." His voice was slowly fading.

"No! This _isn't_ happening!" Kagome screamed while Sango frantically dialled the emergency number.

"Please... remember..." his voice was weak. Kagome had to kneel down beside him to hear as he started to lie down, the light fading from his eyes.

"Inuyasha," Kagome sobbed, "Don't give up! You're not dying on me!"

"Remember... that..." And then he went limp, eyes shutting.

"INUYASHA!"

...

Kagome placed the flowers on his grave. Eyes swelling with tears all over again. Sango trying to comfort Kagome. Miroku couldn't even stand to come to the funeral.

"At least he's with his family now?" Sango offered.

Kagome only broke down sobbing, crying onto the grave and screaming in frustration.


End file.
